The innocent joy in my son’s voice as he proclaimed, “It’s a glorious day!” lingers in my heart even a decade later. While that summer day held disappointment for me, it has become a powerful reminder that joy is not directly related to our circumstances.

One ugly word, cancer, and our lives had been turned upside down. Once the initial shock of the midnight ER visit, followed by a transfer to the pediatric ICU, had settled down, we began to talk details. I sat in a room with the pediatric oncologist and asked him question after question until I completely exhausted myself. He patiently and empathetically answered every single question as if I were the first mother he had ever delivered this news to. The doctor laid before me what he called our “chemo map.” It was every single day for the next four years mapped out according to the multiple chemo doses my son would receive. To say that this map was overwhelming would be a complete understatement.

One of the most grueling parts of Evan’s treatment was the infusions of DEX, a high-dose steroid. If everything went as scheduled, we would be admitted to the hospital for approximately a week at a time, with a week off in between treatments. It was so potent we were not allowed to leave the hospital until tests confirmed the drug was flushed out of his system. We never knew how long our stay would be.

Salt In The Wound

In mid-summer, we were attempting admission number three or four. By this time, we had been through this daunting process twice, but, this time, the doctor told us that my son’s immunity was low, and he couldn’t be admitted for his infusion. For three Mondays in a row, we had been sent home. As Evan and I walked back to the parking garage with our suitcase and favorite stuffy in tow, I began to cry. I was so disappointed.

It was a lot of work to prepare for these admissions. I ran a business with my husband and had to put in extra hours to make sure I could leave my office for a week. We also had a set of twins who were only three years old. As a mom, leaving them was one of the hardest parts of this season of life. Obviously, my sick child needed me, but so did my other two children. When I was in the hospital with Evan, I longed to be home with Carson and Claire. Every once in a while, my husband and I would switch roles, and he would be “hospital dad” so that I could be home with the twins.

I remember those nights as I was filled with anxiety. I longed to be back at the hospital but also felt guilty for not being fully present at home. The packing and preparing process became quite emotional for me as well. It felt like the small bit of control I could find in a circumstance that was far beyond my control. As I cried, my son looked at me with a confused expression.

“Why are you sad?” he said.

Shift In Perspective

At age six, he couldn’t understand why I would be sad to be sent home instead of being locked up in a hospital on such a beautiful summer day. As a child, I knew he would never understand the adult concerns, disappointments, and fears that brought me to tears that day.

I simply said, “I’m just disappointed, buddy. I wanted to get this over with.”

He replied, “I’m happy we get to go home. It’s a GLORIOUS DAY!” As we drove home, I repeated his innocent, childlike words in my head. It definitely did not seem like a glorious day. My son had cancer. It was summertime, and our vacations consisted of several hospital stays. I barely saw my husband as we both did what we needed to do to keep our family afloat.

When we arrived home, Carson and Claire were so excited to see us. The weather was absolutely perfect. Now that I think about it, I don’t remember exactly what we did that day, but it wasn’t anything special. We played outside and enjoyed not being separated by a hospital stay.

I do remember lying on my belly in the grass as the kids piled on my back and I took a selfie as I thought, “This is a glorious day!” That picture is still on my fridge–ten years later as a reminder that what I have planned does not always include God’s will for me or my family. I truly believe it pleases God to give us the gift of joy in the most unlikely circumstances. He brings joy into our lives in ways we do not expect, so we know the joy comes from Him.

Joy That Stays With You

Nearly a decade later, as I sat with my laptop writing this, my youngest son, Carson, asked what I was working on. I told him I was writing about joy.

“Are you writing about me?” he asked.

“Actually, I am,” I replied. “I’m writing about the glorious day.”

Much to my surprise, he said, “I remember that day!”

“You do?” I replied in disbelief.

He was only three years old that summer. I had mentioned this story before, and there is that group selfie on the fridge, but I definitely did not expect him to remember that simple, insignificant day. Out of curiosity I asked him what he remembered about it.

He told me, “We didn’t do much; I just remember you picking me and Claire up from the babysitter, and I was so happy to see you. We got to be home with you instead of spending the day there.”

Joy Is Simple

I was moved by this. In my adult heart, I saw the value in this unplanned, unexpected, and, if I’m being honest, unwanted quality time. I had no idea that, as a freshman in high school, he would still remember the joy that day brought us. This got me thinking more about the idea of joy.

Why is it that often the most simple and seemingly insignificant things give us such joy and lasting memories? Joy has absolutely nothing to do with your environment, possessions, or success. It is a gift from the Lord. Many of us waste lots of time chasing after happiness when what our hearts truly desire is joy. The world will tell you that you can create your own happiness, which may in fact be true at times, but true joy comes from the Lord. The Bible tells us that the joy of the Lord is our strength.

As I prepared to write this, I prayed that God would inspire my words. I didn’t want to write about my words, opinions, or stories. Instead, I want to be a vessel to share the glory of God with anyone who may need it. I felt stuck and very unqualified to talk about joy when I myself have been going through a season low on joy.

Inspired Joy

Then God spoke to my heart, and I knew what I wanted to share. I was driving to a yearly check-up with my now seventeen-year-old cancer survivor. We’ve spent so many years driving this same route to the hospital. Evan is a joyful kid, a deep thinker. We always have our best conversations in the car. I told him how I was writing about joy and that I was using his “glorious day” comment as my jumping off point. I told him if he had any inspiration, I was all ears.

As we drove, I shared a story with him about how recently I had been looking for a specific picture, and it took me on a nostalgic journey of looking at old photos. I explained that now I can look back at photos with a less judgmental eye. Maybe it’s just me, but typically when I look at a photo of myself immediately after it is taken, the mean inner critic in me comes out. I see all my flaws. There is gray hair that needs to be colored. I see skin imperfections, and is that a double chin? Those negative thoughts and insecurities distract me from the moment I’m in. They steal my joy if I let them. Years later, though, I can see that I look thinner than I felt that day and I can see my smile instead of my wrinkles.

Joy Realized

I explained to my son how one picture in particular jumped out at me. I remember feeling so insecure while speaking at a women’s conference. In my mind, every other female speaker had it all together and looked the part. When I look back at a photo from that day, I see that I was actually having an amazing hair day. My eyebrows were freshly waxed, which always makes me feel like I can conquer the world. And then I noticed in a candid shot that my eyes sparkled when I smiled for real.

I wasn’t completely convinced my teen was listening to me instead of the music in his earbud, but I asked him, “Why do you think we do that to ourselves?”

He was quiet for a minute and then said, “You’re writing about joy, right? Comparison is the thief of joy, isn’t it?”

Such wisdom from this goofy kid of mine. I had no words. It fell silent in the car, as a tear ran down my cheek, and the truth of that comment hit my soul. So much time has passed, but still, there it was. Joy! The weird kind of joy that comes on a random gray and dreary Tuesday. The kind of joy you cannot plan. The kind of joy God wants to bless you with.

Real Joy Comes From God

Joy is not something you can chase after and find. It’s not your reward for striving, accomplishing, or achieving. Joy is not guaranteed to be found in that dream vacation you planned, in that new car you can finally afford, or in that promotion you worked so hard for. I have learned I cannot create joy. That is something only God can do.

However, I have also learned that I can get in the way of my joy. By focusing on my plan, my way, my schedule, and my goal, I can completely miss the invitation God is giving me to enjoy a glorious day. I can be so self-focused by comparing myself to others that I don’t see the beauty in myself or the beauty that surrounds me. I eliminate myself from the running of being a recipient of joy if I feel like someone else is more deserving.

Don’t Stand In Your Way Of Joy

Maybe you find yourself doing the same thing in a different way. Maybe you are still punishing yourself for a past mistake, or letting your physical limitations or health issues keep you from experiencing joy. There are so many ways we can be a barricade to our own joy. My go-to joy killers just happen to be comparison and striving. I subconsciously will not allow myself to experience joy unless my to-do list is complete. However, that is a goal with no finish line. The list keeps growing, and I never stop to allow myself to enjoy all that God is doing in me and around me.

I’ve seen the glory of God. I’ve experienced the joy he so freely gives those he loves. He loves me. He loves you. The truth is, God is not the problem. It is not that he is not blessing us during hard or busy seasons. The problem is us! We need His help to free our hearts from the burdens that weigh us down so that we can receive what He has for us. And then we will be free to enjoy every GLORIOUS DAY He has blessed us with.

You can learn more about true joy with us using The Joy Challenge study with your Lifegroup.